Cause I'm Neat, You Guys

Hebrew Bible Midterm Tomorrow: Study Guide

God: Hey... Abe?
Abraham: Hey wuts up?
God: Can you... do me a favor?
Abraham: totes, God. what do you need?
God: ummm.... can you kill your son?... Read More
Abraham: lol wut?
God: Jesus Christ this is awkward... ya know your son isaac?
Abraham: ...
God: if you could sacrifice him this weekend, that'd be great
Abraham: umm... k
God: sorry bout this, man
Abraham: It's ok, at least i still have this little extra bit of skin around my penis!
God: yeah... about that.
Abraham: lol wut?

For the Glory?

To the RIAA: For every sad old lady you fine for downloading music, I will download one terrible, seemingly worthless album. This week, in honor of Jammie Thomas-Rasset, who was fined $1.92 million dollars for downloading 24 songs, I will download Brokencyde's LP: "I'm Not A Fan, But The Kids Like It." Suck it, RIAA. Sample of Brokencyde's music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8F5YSA1Oz0&feature=player_profilepage


Later on:

So... I just finished listening to the entire album. I feel sick. My pupils are dilated and my skin is now an eggshell white as opposed to the nevada desert white that it previously was (I always compare my skin color to paint samples in home depot). It was quite possibly the worst thing I've ever listened to. It wasn't even so bad it was good; it passed the threshold to create an entirely new level of terrible. From now on, bands will not be awesome or lame or decent. They will use an orwellian form of doublespeak. For example, The Beatles are "Double Plus Un-Brokencyde." Nickelback is "Brokencyde-er than Evanescence." God Bless You, Jamie Thomas-Rasset

If You Like It Then You Better Put a Ring On It

RIP The Baby

My Plymouth Neon. The most beautiful car in the world, has passed on. She was a princess and she will be missed

Logic 101

A=C
B=C
A=B

Ipso Facto...

Hitler Was Popular A=C
Candy Is Popular B=C

Hitler is Candy!! A=B





Logic FTW

A Short One

I realize I did not see the first 20 minutes of Twilight, but unless those 20 minutes included at 19 minute long apology for the crappy acting, horrible cinematography and contrived storyline that was about to be presented, it was still one of the worst movies ever made.

Sam Falls Off A Chair

An Open Love Letter to Bill O'Reilly

Hey Bill,

I miss you. And when I say, "I miss you," I really mean to say, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME YOU BLOWHARD ANAL FISSURE OF A MAN!?!?!" I read on MSN today (http://tinyurl.com/clb5ol) that you're trying to get people to boycott Sean Penn films. Awesome. Sweet. Neato... What the ever-living fuck, Bill?
In this article, it says that you have a "right as an American" to boycott his movies. It is also interesting to note that you have a right as an American to stick your dick in a light socket... please do that. Just because you "have a right" to do something doesn't mean you should do it, you immature little assrag. Nickelback has a RIGHT to put out as many albums as they wants. That doesn't mean they should. In fact, they probably shouldn't have put out any.
But in all honesty Bill, if I need an opinion on what movie I'm going to see, I have several, quality research options at my disposal. For example, I could ask:
1. Rotten Tomatoes
2. My friends
...etc.
To give a reference point, The O'Reilly Factor ranks around #368 right above "Whatever Sound My Last Fart Made Translated Roughly Into A Movie Title From the Early 80's" and right below "Movies Scott Stapp From Creed Personally Tells Me To See." As you can see you are in good company.
On your show, you have often stated that you believe that actors and Hollywood in general should stay out of politics. You even said that the Dixie Chicks should be "slapped around" for their political views. So Bill... Billy... Billtown, stay the fuck away from movies that I like. Don't talk about them... ever. Not even once. As soon as you start thinking about a movie and have even the slightest inclination to voice your opinion, search for the nearest Sobe Bottle and shove it up your rectum.
So that's about it, Mr. Bill O'Reilly. Have a nice day.

Adventures in Barnes and Nobles!

...or smart people, or dummies, or... *BARF*

WHO YOU CALLIN' A DUMMY!?!?!?!

Sometimes self-help books start with a step backwards

It's Science... duh

Caleb and Dan Plan an Arson! pt. 1

Caleb: what did you do tonight
Dan: went to a show
Dan: hung out with aj
Caleb: bitchen
Caleb: is he comin here
Dan: he got into USC
Dan: so probably not
Caleb: dumb!
Dan: yeah
Caleb: he needs to think harder about that
Dan: im sad
Dan: he is
Caleb: like
Dan: he hasnt made his final decision
Caleb: about how you and i are here
Caleb: and not at fagtown USC
Dan: he's still weighing his options
Dan: LOL
Caleb: his options are UOP or no college ... i mean we can always burn down USC
Caleb: not a problem at all
Caleb: i've already done it before
Dan: well yeah
Dan: all we need is some matches
Dan: and cake
Dan: lots o cake
Caleb: and some flamable water
Dan: oil?
Dan: or Gatorade Propel?
Caleb: no like the H2O water just the "i catch on fire kind"
Dan: oh
Dan: where do we find that?
Caleb: dude i have heard three gun shots in the past five mins
Caleb: yay stockton!
Caleb: i think we google search it
Dan: k one sec
Caleb: k
Dan: OH FUCK
Dan: http://www.newton.dep.anl.gov/askasci/chem99/chem99184.htm
Dan: oh wait
Dan: that's less exciting than I hoped
Caleb: haha
Dan: so
Dan: I was thinking
Dan: USC is kinda big
Caleb: and...
Dan: that means
Dan: that there's alot of area to cover
Dan: with fire
Dan: Ipso Facto, we need teams
Dan: and more importantly: Team Names
Caleb: hahahahahah!!!
Caleb: can we be on a team?
Dan: no
Dan: we are the team leaders
Caleb: o ok
Caleb: can aj be on my team?
Dan: I guess
Dan: Only if I can have an elk on my team
Caleb: fuck i didn't think you watned the elk
Caleb: k
Caleb: you get aj
Caleb: i'll take your mom
Dan: Score
Caleb: and show her a good time
Dan: ...
Caleb: then i'll pick the elk
Caleb: hahahahaha
Caleb: cna ya dig that?
Caleb: Step 2: Don't Talk about Arson Club
Dan: yes i can dig it
Caleb: sweet!

YAY!

 

It takes a special form of blaspheme

 

Things I Like:

Candy
Cans of Soda
Canaries
Cancer (the constellation)
Candy (twice)
Cans of Candy
Candy Cans
Cans of Canaries

Sadness Pile in a Failure Bowl

I tried to watch American Idol tonight... sometimes we all make bad decisions. My character is not as strong as what it once was. My arms are weak, and my head is low. There's something deep down in me that wants to choke myself with a remote. I know I shouldn't, but that doesn't make the desire any less intense, any less necessary in my mind. Maybe tomorrow, I'll wake up and this will all be a dream, but then again, I don't have much faith in dreams anymore. K, I go poop now.

Hugs and Kisses,

Dan

How much I Love You

I want to be the Snuggie to your inability to complete normal tasks with a regular blanket on.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xZp-GLMMJ0

An Open Letter to the University Concerning its Leaf Blowing Policies

February 15, 2009
Dear Sir or Madam:
In these days of political unrest, there has been a lot of talk about the economy, nationalized healthcare, and damn, dirty socialists. Unfortunately, one issue has been largely left out of the public discourse. This issue, as I’m sure you’ve already guessed, is the Leaf Blower Guy.

When one thinks of appropriate times to blow leaves, many hours come to mind. I believe it is safe to say, no civil minded person would ever consider six to seven o’clock in the morning one of these appropriate times. As a member of a fine academic institution, many of my fellow students and I spend many late nights studying, practicing for musical ensembles, reading large, leather-bound books, learning how to Tuvan throat sing and other various educational opportunities. As such, we appreciate the small amount of sleep we are allotted in our schedules. Taking all of this into account, it seems odd and quite disturbing when we are awoken at seven o’clock in the morning by the cacophony that is the Leaf Blower Guy.

This is not a diatribe against a person. In fact, I have nothing against the man personally. He may need to work on his time management skills, but overall, he is probably a more than pleasant individual. My only qualms are with the fact that his passionate leaf blowing consistently awakes me from my fine slumber.

I must also mention that I have no serious issues with Leaf Blowing in general. While there is opposition (see http://www.treehugger.com/files/2005/09/leaf_blowers_sc.php where they refer to them as the “scourge of humanity”), this is not at the heart of my argument. I simply ask that the Leaf Blower Guy begin his daily walk 2 hours later than he does now. That is all.

Sincerely,


Dan Faughnder & the Undersigned
Concerned Students

Observations

Things that are awesome:
1. Playing baseball in a top hat
2. Bear in a top hat

Conclusion:

Top Hats make things awesome

8 (This is my thing)

7???

6 Many!

#....5.5ish?

#5 (True Stories)

#4 (Rolling Stone)

 

#3 (Grammy Awards)

#2

#1

This is the first one, let's see how long I last